Take a look at that picture. That would be my 1 1/2 year old pulling all of the clothes out from the dresser. Cute right? Can I be honest and say cute wasn’t my first thought when I saw the mess? My first thought was more like, “Seriously child. I just put the clean clothes away. Why?” But as my initial thought was one of frustration, I took a step back and looked at the big picture. This was simply not a big deal.

I have three kids who are now 3,1, and 3 months old. I’ve only been doing this mom thing for three short years but I feel like I have learned so much in this time. When I was pregnant with my oldest, my husband and I vowed that we wouldn’t be “those parents” who freaked out about everything. We were going to let our kids be kids and enjoy the younger years! With our first, it was easy. She was overall well behaved and she was a healthy kid so just letting her be a kid seemed easy. Then when we had Gracyn, it was a little different. With her different health issues, we had to be a little more strict on things. By the time Silas came around, Gracyn was for the most part healthy and I went back to not caring. We would be in the store and one of the kids would drop their pacifiers. I always loved the looks I got when I picked it up, personally “licked off the germs” and gave it back to them. I mean come on, I can’t protect them from everything. There is one thing I have learned though. The more tired I am or the more stressed I am, usually plays into how I respond to situations now.

Three kids, therapy, school, jobs, I mean stressed seems like the normal. If I am coming off of a good night’s sleep, I am way more laid back with my kids. If I’m tired and my oldest daughter drops her bowl of cereal, watch out because the horns will be popping out soon! It is natural to get worked up about things that don’t matter. It is even normal to get upset when you yourself are on edge. But what if we made a decision that every time we were about to flip out over some situation, to step back and look at the big picture. Yes, our emotions may be screaming at us, but in reality, does it matter?

When your kids make a mess, it can be cleaned up. When there is an argument, it can be resolved. When your child puts a toy in their mouth that 100 other kids have played with, breathe. It is impossible to keep them away from germs completely. I mean come on, they are kids. They are pretty much a walking germ themselves. Chances are a week later, you won’t even remember this small trivial detail of your day. So seriously. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Let your kids get messy. Let them pull all the clothes out of the drawer (really I should have just been happy she was entertained). Let them be kids. And as you do this, let yourself relax and not get so stressed out about the little things. Life is too short so just lean back and enjoy the ride!

I have wanted to share my daughter’s testimony for a long time, but have never gotten around to it. So here it is-Gracyn’s story.

In August of 2014, we found out we were expecting again. After suffering a miscarriage in July, we never thought we would be pregnant again quite so quickly. But here we were, expecting and so very excited! We waited until we were able to see the doctor before announcing to our friends. Once we had seen the doctor and got the all clear that everything looked good, we shared it with the world! We posted a picture of the ultrasound picture and me getting some pizza since I had been craving it so badly. We were on cloud nine, until about 9 weeks in. 

One night, after coming home from a concert, I began to bleed heavily and we went straight to the emergency room. They told me I had a sub chorionic hemorrhage and I needed to be on bed rest. Bed rest lasted about 6 weeks which let me tell you, was hard. I’ve got a toddler and a busy life so it was more taking it easy as much as I could. They referred us to maternal fetal medicine to have it checked on and at 16 weeks, all looked good. So I’m thinking we can move on right? Wrong. 

At 20 weeks, we saw my normal obgyn and had our gender ultra sound. It was a girl!! Woo hoo! At the ultrasound though, they found what is called echogenic bowel, which can be a sign of a bigger problem. After this, we were sent back to see MFM. At this point, I was tired of hearing bad news. Along with the issues of the pregnancy, we were having a horrible time getting insurance figured out. Nothing seemed to be going right. Tests were ran, all came back negative, and they had come to the conclusion that it may have had to do with the previous hemorrhage I had had.  They wanted to see me every two weeks for a month just to make sure everything checked out. Overall though, they thought I was fine. Bam! More problems. During these next two visits they noticed that she wasn’t growing as she should and at 29 weeks, she stopped growing all together. So guess what? More tests. 

At this point, I was on a first name basis with the staff there. I was going in 2-3 times a week for ultrasounds and NSTs. They wanted to do another round of blood work so off to the lab I went. During this particular blood draw though, an error was made. They lab tech punched in the wrong code and had the wrong blood test done. I went back to see my doctor and they told me this. “Well, we meant to have the cystic fibrosis test ran on you but they accidentally ran the CMV test. Looks like you’ve had it at some point but it’s not currently active. Just go back down to the lab and have them run the correct test.” Little did I know at that time, that test would have such a huge impact on us. 

Flash forward to just shy of 36 weeks. They decided to induce me and after a long, stalled out labor, I finally gave birth to a 3 pound 8 ounce little girl! I was able to hold her for about a minute before they took her to be checked out. First issue they noticed was her incredibly low platelet count. It was so low, they were concerned about internal bleeding. Because of this, they decided to transfer her to Cardinal Glennon Children’s hospital. Along with the platelet issues, she had a slew of other problems but overall was doing well. She was a fighter, that’s for sure! As they began trying to find out what was causing all of her issues, they asked if I had ever been tested for an autoimmune disorder. I told them I wasn’t sure but gave them permission to look into my medical records. While looking in my records, they stumbled upon that CMV test that had come back positive. They decided to run the test on Gracyn and guess what? Positive. Gracyn was born with congenital cytomegalovirus. This explained everything! As thankful as we were for an answer, the outcome of this was not something we wanted to hear. The outlook on life for kids with CMV was not promising. They talked to us about blindness, deafness, seizures, physical and mental delays, etc. I must say I was pretty devastated. Then, my personal favorite part was when we were informed that roughly 80% off marriages fail when they have kids with special needs. Thanks. That’s encouraging. Why not just throw salt in an open wound why don’t ya. But my husband I refused to be part of that statistic. We didn’t know what our future would look like with Gracyn but we were ready for whatever came our way. We had a God who was strong, family and friends who loved us and a church family that supported us more than we ever could have imagined. So we began life with a special needs child. 

Now that you have some background, I want to share some moments through this journey where God showed up, and he showed up big. First, I would like to point out her diagnosis. Like seriously, she was diagnosed by a mistake made by a lab tech- what?! Some may call it a coincidence but I fully believe God had his hand in that situation the whole time. Next, I knew she was deaf. We knew many kids with CMV are deaf. I prayed and asked God to not let it be her but before we went in for the hearing test, I knew in my heart that the Holy Spirit had prepared me for what I was about to hear. When the audiologist told us, it didn’t alarm me. I had a peace that only God could have given me. Physical delays. She has them, but she has continued to get stronger and push forward, surpassing what any of us thought she would ever do. Even our therapists agree that she is a wonderful example of the power of prayer! Which brings me to my next point-our doctors and therapists. They are incredible! Not like oh yeah I like them and they are nice I mean, hands down, they are the best! I prayed at the beginning of this journey that God would place us with the right doctors, therapists, etc. and guess what? Prayer answered. Then, at 8 months old, Gracyn started showing signs that could have been seizures. We went in and had a video EEG done and the initial report was yes it definitely looks like something is up. When we sat down with the neurologist, we were once again shocked. He said that the EEG was abnormal and that when you look at it, you should see seizures all over it, but he didn’t. He said it was very odd and he was quite taken back. I wasn’t. That’s what happens when God is in the equation. Time and time again, he has shown us his goodness and healing power in her life. I want to end with one last story and quite possibly my favorite of all. 

About a month after Gracyn was born was when we found out she was deaf. Now mind you, even though I felt God had given me a peace about it, it didn’t take away my fleshy desire to be really mad at God. We had just gotten discharged from the hospital because her liver was giving her problems, she was deaf, we were meeting with therapists to decide the best plan of action for her and I was mad. I was mad that this was the life my daughter was living. At a Wednesday night church service, I was worshipping and praying. Maybe yelling a little too. I just wanted to know why Gracyn was going through this. I believed in the healing power of God but I wasn’t seeing it at this point. Why weren’t my prayers being answered?! Then, in an instant, God spoke to my heart and told me it was my prayers that got her here in the first place. He told me that he was in control and that He was with me. In that moment I thought God wasn’t there but truthfully he had been there all along, protecting her, and getting her into our arms. There are plenty of CMV moms whose babies left this earth way too soon and Gracyn was here with us. What more could I ask for? 

Here I am, about 17 months later and I can honestly say, I have seen God show up more in the last year than I have my entire life. Most CMV kids are in need of a full time care taker, completely disabled, and some even pass away from the effects of this unfortunate virus. And then there is Gracyn. She is for the most part, a normal kid. Yeah she’s got her issues but we are handling them thanks to God’s overwhelming mercy. And as for Tony and I? We are slaying the whole marriage thing. That doesn’t mean it’s not tough but we refuse to give up. 

Now, when I’m struggling or wondering where God is in a certain situation, I look at Gracyn. She is my daily reminder that God is good. Not only is he good, he is alive and working in our every day lives. I challenge you to when life gets tough, see the things God has already done in your life. Because here’s the deal- he is the same God now that he was then. The things he got you through then, were just the beginning of what he is going to do for you now!  

It’s all about your outlook. So what’s yours? 

For more info on CMV, click here.

80% off of anything is great, especially kids clothes! Kids are always growing and trying to keep up with them can be tough…and expensive! Well let me give you a heads up on a killer deal! 

Today I received an email from Children’s Place that informed me that their clearance online is 80% off AND you can get free shipping! They had shirts for as low as $1.50, shoes for $5, and some pants for around $3! You can’t beat these prices! It is a great time to stock up for next summer. Their quantities are limited so once a size is gone, it’s gone. Make sure to get in on this deal!! 

Today I am sitting in a waiting room as my 16 month old heads back for surgery. We got here this morning at 5:30, got her admitted, talked to her doctors, and even got to play for a little while. Gracyn is having her second cochlear implant placed today (as long as the growth in her ear has not returned). We did this back in April as well when we got her left implant placed. The whole surgery takes about 4 hours per ear, which just shows how tedious of a job it is, placing all the electrodes where they need to be. I thought this go around would be easier but as I sit here, I’m realizing, that isn’t necessarily the case. 

When we had Gracyn, they diagnosed her with congenital cytomegalovirus. The outlook on her life according to doctors was not positive. Overall, she has beat many odds and is thriving other than a handful of issues. Being deaf, is one of those issues. We knew from very early on that Gracyn could not hear. Even before we went in for her hearing test, I knew. I fully believe that the Holy Spirit had prepared me for the news before I heard it from the audiologist. As we looked into our options, Tony and I were both in agreement that we would move forward with the cochlear implant process. 

As we began this process, we got support as well as some criticism. Some thought it was great that we were going to give her the ability to hear. Others saw our decision as a lack of faith, believing that we should solely have faith for God to heal her. We saw it as a journey. My husband and I are still believing for her to hear naturally. The bible talks specifically about deaf ears being opened and I believe if it could happen then, it can happen now. As we have gone through this, I have thought about the story in the book of Daniel where it took an angel multiple days to deliver the message he had. He talked about having to battle spiritually to make it there with his message. In a different regard, I think about Gracyn’s healing. Her healing is coming, but it will be a battle. The enemy’s whole goal is to kill, steal, and destroy. He will do all he can to take away what ever he can from our girl. But as he tries to take things away, we will fight back. We will do everything in our power to give her the most normal, enjoyable life possible. So in that regard, we decided to give her the implants. We prayed about it and truly believed it was the best option for Gracyn. This process was not a lack of faith, it was a step in faith on our end. We were saying,”God we will do everything we can do for Gracyn here and we will expect you to do the supernatural.” 

So that’s a little back story. Sitting here though has me realizing how tough it is to go through things like this with our kiddos. Whether your kid is sick, just getting a simple surgery or getting a life changing surgery, it’s hard. Pain is pain and no parent wants to experience it. I have had parents tell me, I could never do what you are doing. I’ve thought the same about parents whose kids live in hospitals. Thank you Jesus for grace. The last year and a half with Gracyn has taught me so many things. I’ve learned to appreciate the important things and ignore the minor things. You never think you will be in a situation like this until you are in it. So you adapt. 

I saw today on my Timehop app that four years ago, Tony and I were on our honeymoon. Little did we know we would have three kids in the next four years, one of whom, would have health issues. If you would have asked me sitting there on the beach what our life together would look like, I wouldn’t have said this. If you would have told me what was to come,I would have called you a liar. Life has a way of throwing things at us when we least expect it. I love music, singing, dancing and if you would have told me I would have a child who couldn’t enjoy that with me, I wouldn’t have believed you. But again, life has its own agenda. 

So what is it that your life has thrown at you that you didn’t expect? Maybe it’s something with your kids, a job or financial situation, a relationship issue, etc. Are you going to sit back and let it define who you are or are you going to fight back? Is your attitude one of triumph or one of defeat? Are you accepting it as reality or accepting it as just one stop on your journey? You have one life to live, so why not make the most of it.